


we're off to on

by starfleetbanana



Category: All For the Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: 5+1 Things, Anxiety, Developing Relationship, Exy times not actual sexy times, Friends to Lovers, Grinding, Happy Ending, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Self-Indulgent, Sexual Content, Stockholm Syndrome, Suicide Attempt, im so sorry, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-21
Updated: 2016-10-21
Packaged: 2018-08-23 17:21:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8336215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starfleetbanana/pseuds/starfleetbanana
Summary: 5 times Jean Moreau dettaches himself from the world and Jeremy helps him back + 1 time Jean does it by himself.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Oh dear, this was a ride. I gotta say I wrote at least 3/4 of this drunk and crying because of Jean Moreau (I respect Nora but no, Jean Moreau is alive and happy and made it to Court, thank you).
> 
> Totally self indulgent, based on the idea than Jean can't trust himself to have any kind of relationship because of his need to go back to the ravens or hide.
> 
> Hey, warning for suicide attempt, from 5 to +1, so skip it altogether, though you could read the last paragraphs after the cut because it's not... idk I'd say it's still triggering, gonna talk about that on the end notes.
> 
> Hope you enjoy, though I know this is cliché af and quite bad BUT i needed to acknowledge these shitty headcanons.

1.

Jeremy Knox had an attitude problem according to Jean. He didn’t understand how Kevin liked him, a former Raven too, who knew he had to behave a certain way otherwise it was just wrong. Jeremy Knox absolutely did not have an attitude problem according to the rest of the world and when Alvarez said it with a sharp smile Jean folded his arms over his chest defensively.

Jean hadn’t figured out how to behave in front of the Trojans –his teammates, the Captain insisted-, so he did everything Jeremy told him to do. He didn’t need to hit him to make it clear, Jean already knew kindness didn’t exist. Kevin Day was kind sometimes, that hadn’t stopped Riko from trying to kill him.

They said Riko let him go and Jean didn’t want to believe it. Riko hated him but he also needed him and Jean had no idea how to live without punishment. It wasn’t that he wanted any of it to happen again but his body felt so weird and light when there was no real pain reminding him no matter what he had to keep playing Exy.

The Trojans were both a dream and a nightmare. He was free and still allowed to play Exy, but he hated their inexistent strategies, the lack of a proper technique and their Captain.

Their Captain, who also happened to be his roommate, was the complete opposite of a Raven. It was unnerving, so much so he couldn’t sleep at night thinking Jeremy had to get tired of him eventually and make him pay for all the time wasted. He swore he wouldn’t, but Jean was used to lies and people lashing out.

Riko’s abuse and the Ravens’ never made his personality go away completely; it’d only stained it black. He couldn’t say he knew himself at all before being given to Riko, but he was sure his defensiveness, his love for Exy and his irony, were completely his.

His body reminded him he was his own person when he looked in the mirror and he saw freckles under the tattoo. Those freckles were his, he remembered his mother had them too and it felt as if he was a bit safer. He was not.

If there was something the Nest taught him was that safety didn’t exist. It was nothing but a lie. Sleeping wouldn’t stop Riko from shouting orders, passing out wouldn’t stop his knife, shouting at the top of his lungs was nothing and pain was never enough of an excuse to skip practice.

He couldn’t trust the Trojans and though he couldn’t exactly trust the Ravens either, at least he knew them. He was used to them so it wasn’t a surprise when they went to his bed in the middle of the night to use him again and again at Riko’s demand. It wasn’t new to him to wake up out of bed without feeling his face. It wasn’t much of a shock when Riko asked him to break one of his fingers for the third time.

He hated how those dorms were so colourful it hurt, how it looked full of different people he was supposed to like, each with their own names and interests. He absolutely hated how Jeremy existed without worrying someone might stop him from being a little shit. He despised seeing how everyone was free around him while he was still caged, surrounded by Raven black.

Castle Evermore never felt quite like home, but no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t remember home back in Marseille. It was familiar enough that nothing was new to him, whereas at USC there was always too much to learn and remember.

“I got you a present” Jeremy said from their room. Jean was on the couch reading ‘La Barbe Bleue’, a tale that reminded him of his little sister. It was better in French, he thought, but he’d kept reading anyways because now he was allowed to choose what he wanted to do.

He didn’t like books per se, but he remembered reading it until his sister fell asleep. As he went through the pages he decided he hated it though, because it was all too fake and childish for someone who’d been through too much.

He’d no idea what to say when Jeremy handed him the bag of full of Trojan merch, including a red shirt he swore he’d never wear. He sighed looking at the contents of the bag, and then at Jeremy with no expression in his face, trying to find what would be the right way to react.

“You own nothing but black clothes. You’re a Trojan now” Jeremy said in a cheery voice as if his awfully bright shirts hadn’t been enough to motivate him to get him something that wasn’t black.

“Thanks” He mumbled and Jeremy smiled at him before taking the bag from his hands and gesturing he’d be in the room if he needed anything. Jean didn’t need anything.

The Trojans were all friends, which was quite impressive, since most of them he couldn’t stand. The Ravens hated each other but at least knew how to play Exy properly, so he wasn’t exactly surprised either when Jeremy left for dinner with Casper and Georgia. He couldn’t care less about them, but he still learnt their names.

He was left alone and he had no idea what to do. There was something in his chest that made him feel uncomfortable, but nowhere near as bad as in the Nest, still it made his legs bounce up and down.

He stared at the cover of the book waiting for the hours to pass so someone’d come back for him, because he couldn’t remember how to be himself without someone next to him. Jeremy didn’t even tell him what he was allowed to do in his absence.

He was more than sure Jeremy would punish him because of what he was going to do, though. He deserved way worse than anyone could do to him.

Nothing mattered and fear wasn’t real because he needed to pack and he had a plane to catch. He needed to run, he needed to leave because USC was a lie and he didn’t deserve the Trojans’ worry or Jeremy’s gifts.

The only tinge of colour in his bag was a red pen with “USC Trojans” written in gold on it.

Jean hated planes and airports. His tattoo made it too easy for people to recognise him but he didn’t notice if anyone took pictures or called his name. He had only one thing to do and he wouldn’t fail this time.

His phone was off but even if he were to call he knew they wouldn’t answer, they didn’t owe him anything. Maybe they hadn’t changed the code yet and he’d be allowed in even if Riko was dead. _Fuck_.

 _Riko’s dead_. Riko was dead and that meant he was safe at Castle Evermore. No, it meant only Tetsuji and the other Ravens could hurt him and though he knew they’ll most likely take him apart, they’d no idea how much he could take.

He needed to wear his Raven uniform again and wake up in a black room, a place he’d finally recognise. He could take so much now, he would do it, if it meant he was allowed to stay where he belonged. He was a Raven, not a Trojan.

His legs felt wobbly and the panic was consuming his body. He knew he was too tired to keep going because Trojan days had made him sleepy and exhausted all the time.

He paid for a night in a motel room in cash, knowing he’d panic again when he woke up and he wished he could do something about it, more than anything he wished Riko could be there to make him feel awake.

No, that was wrong. His Captain, his new owner told him that was wrong.

He woke up during the night, a Raven morning, and left without a word before finding his way back to the Nest. It was easy, because something about it called him and he knew he’d left too much blood there for him to get lost.

Jean was a pet, he belonged to someone and with his owner gone he felt lost. Jeremy’s authority was insignificant next to the Master’s. If he couldn’t find his owner he’d at least find his Master and that’d be enough to keep him grounded.

He carried himself with pride, typical of a Raven and foreign to the Trojans, with his bag hanging from his shoulder and his hands sweating and shaking. He’d no idea how he was still breathing when he was only a block away and a car stopped next to him.

“Get in the fucking car, Moreau” He froze when he heard Kevin’s voice in French. It made him want to keep going until both of them were back to where they were supposed to be, “If you keep walking I’ll run you over”.

Jean didn’t say anything in response but got in the car where Kevin and Jeremy looked at him expectantly. He needed someone to punish him so he could finally understand where the limits were, so the urge to run away would leave his body.

“You’re a Trojan now, I won’t hurt you. None of us will” Jeremy started. He looked so heartbroken Jean couldn’t understand how he deserved so much compassion from him, which he hated.

“You don’t understand” He said and before he could add anything Kevin started the engine and interrupted him.

“Fuck you, I do understand. I fought for this too and if you don’t fucking learn your place at USC you’ll be number three all your life”

“Fuck you” He bit back in English, and Jeremy touched him to calm him down. He flinched, “Stay out of this, Knox”.

“No, I’m your Captain. I’ve the right to be here” Jeremy said in a loud voice, full of conviction. Jean’d never seen him like that. This boy was always beaming and waiting for him to be ready to do anything. His words made him look so different with so many emotions imploding in his chest. “I’m your friend. I came here because it’s enough. I don’t care if you hate my team, you’ll play with us and help us get better. You deserve better and I don’t give a fuck about your self-pity”.

Kevin kept driving and Jean thought about how much he hated both of them, especially Jeremy, whose brow was still furrowed in worry. His voice hadn’t been loud enough to scare him, but at least he saw Jeremy could fight back.

Most importantly, Jeremy would fight to keep him there.

2.

“Wake up” Jeremy mumbled, a soft and sleepy voice coming out as he tried to focus his eyes on Jean’s darkened figure. He couldn’t fall back asleep when Jean started talking in French in his sleep. Sometimes it was even accompanied by whimpering and crying, “Jean, you’re being too loud” He complained. Jeremy did worry, obviously, but he was used to Jean’s nightmares and, as long as almost none of them ended up in full blown panic attacks, Jean preferred when Jeremy ignored them as well.

What mattered the most was that Jean was getting help. He had an actual therapist and was on medication to help him keep going, which seemed to make him softer around the edges and more cooperative. That was exactly why Jean wasn’t fond of his pills. But it wasn’t only that. Jean had actually started appreciating the little things the Trojans did for him: _Jeremy’s daily cups of coffee, Alvarez’ advice on scheduling and schoolwork, Casper’s effort on the court._

He couldn’t say they were perfect, but they were definitely better than what he saw whenever he left himself drift off.

Jeremy threw whatever he could reach for on the desk next to his bed, a book, to the floor in order to wake him up, “Come on Moreau!” He continued.

Getting Jean to listen to him was part of his life now, and Jeremy had, in fact, taken the time to get to know him well enough to consider him a friend, so he was okay with everything that came with Jean, insults in French and inexistent bonding skills included. Jean hated how he considered Jeremy a friend too, he couldn’t remember when he’d felt that vulnerable for the last time, but at least he’d someone he could trust.

Jean’s breathing hitched before he sat on the bed and struggled to get his sweatshirt off. His skin was clammy, but he was breathing normally.

“What time is it?” Jeremy groaned and buried his face onto the pillow, “Sorry I woke you up” He sighed and his muscles relaxed under Jeremy’s stare. Going through the same thing every other night left him incredibly exhausted.

“Doesn’t matter, you good?”

Jean nodded in response and Jeremy could barely see him without his contacts on, a slight movement in the dark of their room. His limbs seemed to move with his head and Jeremy got that he wasn’t only nodding, he was also shaking, which made him get out of bed in less than a second to sit on the floor next to Jean’s bed.

“Hey, hey, come back to me. I’m here, you’re at USC” Jeremy whispered, his chin resting on his hand, elbow sinking on the soft mattress. He turned on the flashlight in his phone, not wanting to leave Jean’s side because he knew how much his presence meant even if none of them wanted to recognise it. “Hey, I’m going to touch you, okay? Don’t be afraid, it’s just me, I’m not gonna hurt you” He added and moved to sit on the edge of the mattress.

Jean’s expression wasn’t visible but his nodding was. He was facing the wall, as he always did when he panicked, wanting to hide all emotions believing he’d be punished for being afraid.

Jeremy’s fingers grazed the slick skin of the back of his neck, knowing that could probably be the only safe spot in his body.

He had scars everywhere, but there were too many memories associated to fingers pressed hard into his biceps to hold him down, too many times he’d been choked until he passed out, too many times they’d dislocated his shoulder and too many times his hair had been pulled until his scalp burnt hot.

Jeremy felt his heart beat echoing through his bones. Jean looked fragile, weak and tiny, but Jeremy knew it was nothing but a lie. He was strong and he was going to get better at whatever life was supposed to be, he’d help him if it was necessary.

“You’re not going back there, alright? You’re not going back to Riko, you understand? I got you” He said soothingly, his cold hand still pressed to Jean’s hot skin.

The darkness around him only made Jean dizzier to the point where he thought he’d get skin on the pillow if he couldn’t get his breathing slower.

“I’m right here, I’m gonna stay until you tell me to go fuck off”.

“Yeah” Jean managed. His voice was harsh and it hurt a little, he had a lump in his throat, a knot around him tight enough to choke him. Breathing through his nose was easier to do, easier to remember, and eventually it coaxed him into sleep, with Jeremy seated next to him on his ridiculous giant sized Foxes sweatshirt and mismatched socks.

He woke up again at six in the morning and wasted no time considering what an awful night he’d had again and ended up running on the treadmill while the other Trojans joined him at the gym as the time passed.

He had a class to get to right after the gym, and he showered quickly, making sure to spend enough time under the water to feel awake. Coffee would do the trick later. The only thing that mattered now was getting through that one class to be able to go hide in his room.

The hot water relaxed him a little, but it didn’t make the feeling of Jeremy’s hand on his back go away. It felt as if he’d marked him, an imprint of his touch permanent on his back, just as Riko’s touches did, but this time it was different. Jean decided he liked it.

Class didn’t help him either. He’d been thinking a lot of Jeremy lately, but that day was different. It felt like he was finally giving himself permission to feel something toward someone. Jeremy was his friend, and that was alright. He wanted him to touch him again, he wanted him to stay. It felt like being unable to breathe, too. Nothing like his therapist said it would, there was no redemption hidden behind his self-hate.

He was grateful Jeremy wasn’t there when he got to the dorms, knowing he was probably still in class because it was a Thursday and Jeremy hated Thursdays for a reason. Truth was Jean hated them too for the simple reason he was really really uncomfortable when he spent too much time by himself in a room full of colours and sharp objects and meds. He thought of all the things he’d found to hurt himself with to regain some sort of control over his own body at Evermore.

He thought of broken glasses and bloody knuckles, Exy racquets and a pair of scissors, but he saw nothing when he went to sleep.

3.

Jeremy’s lips were never chapped like his were, he was always smiling and laughing and talking, Jean didn’t do any of that much, but he was learning to. Jeremy’s lips felt like finally being able to use colours on his paintings, they felt like poetry, words picked carefully and pages stitched together.  
Jeremy’s lips were too much.

When they broke apart Jean felt a good kind of dizzy. He remembered kissing other people when he was younger, when he still could hide in dark places without Riko beating him up unconscious. He remembered quick pecks and blushing and not knowing what to do because if someone caught him he’d get killed, Raven rules couldn’t be ignored by a fifteen year old.

It’d happened once during a banquet too, and the poor guy had thought he’d get killed by Jean if not by the rest of his team but Jean had only wanted to cry. Everyone knew him as Riko’s pet but someone had seen something else in him, and even if it was supposed to be meaningless because he didn’t have the courage to do anything but leave, it was a nice memory. To anyone else it would’ve been worthless, but to him it was one of the few times he’d felt normal.

Jeremy’s kisses made him feel much more than simply normal and, surprisingly, Jean didn’t want to cry, he only wanted to kiss him again and again until he tired of it. It didn’t happen.

Their first kiss had happened during yet another night Jeremy’d decided to sit on his bed and talk until he fell asleep. He’d mustered up the courage to sit upright and kiss his jaw. Jeremy’d held his hand for a while, squeezing it from time to time to keep him grounded when Jean didn’t need to be grounded, he needed to close his eyes. He was anxious simply because fuck, he couldn’t look at him without thinking of how he was the opposite of everything he’d ever wanted but he still wanted him. He needed him.

Jeremy, that brave boy, had been clever enough to understand what every one of Jean’s movements meant and before Jean regretted every one of his actions and his entire existence he kissed him on the lips, dry and quick. Jeremy’s hands stayed on his when Jean moved his lips and almost choked on a sob because he didn’t understand how he could finally feel so much.

Jeremy’s kisses were overwhelming, in a nice way, that was.

Then it just kept happening, over and over again. Jeremy wanted to talk about it, but Jean never let him do it, lost in the warmth of his hands and his tongue and his words. He didn’t want him to say anything that would break his heart, he didn’t want to keep himself hidden within a shell of a boy marked and seen as number three.

Jeremy’s hands cradled his face. Jean had his on Jeremy’s waist, pulling him closer. He was sweaty and he knew it was kind of gross but his chest burnt with something he’d never felt before, something he couldn’t ignore.

It was late and, in their best Neil Josten spirit, they’d gone for a run at about two in the morning because it was a Friday with no plans.

They were both sweaty and yes, it was kind of gross, but yes, it felt so right to have Jeremy’s back pressed to the wall, whispering sweet nothings into their kisses. And when Jeremy got him impossibly closer, bodies flush together and a cocky smile on his face, Jean used his weight to pin him to the wall again. Jeremy didn’t fight back.

Their slow kisses became quick, uncoordinated swipes of tongue and searching for lips and skin desperately, biting, scratching at each other’s bodies, emotions too strong within him to stay still and open his eyes. He wanted to look at Jeremy, but he couldn’t.

“Fuck” He whispered, trying to get his mind quiet with Jeremy’s giggles in the background, nipping his neck with teeth and chaste kisses.

Jeremy’s hands settled on his hips when Jean moved his thigh between his legs, to get some kind of friction, sensation quickly taking over any of the things his brain was obsessing over. It was okay, it was fine, it was the right thing to do.

“Bedroom, this fucking wall will kill my back” Jeremy reminded him again. He’d suggested that at some point but Jean had ignored it completely in order to get his lips on his.

Jean froze when Jeremy offered his hand to take him to the bedroom and he couldn’t find it in himself to keep going, but he forced himself to do it, telling himself Jeremy wouldn’t hurt him. It was stupid to think he ever would since the only thing he’d done from the beginning was help him come to terms with who he was and to get comfortable around other people that weren’t necessarily his Captain.

His Captain, he thought. Riko, his former captain would’ve killed him if he found out Jean even had dared look at another boy. A Raven couldn’t allow himself to get negative attention and Jean seemed surprisingly good at that since he’d joined the Trojans. They didn’t mind, apparently.

His former captain had passed him around multiple times until he’d stopped fighting back. He wanted to bury that in layers and layers of red and gold and the freckles on Jeremy’s back.

He followed him into the bedroom without a word, hoping Jeremy would understand all the things he wanted to say but didn’t know how to. He’d spent too many years thinking anything besides Exy and the Ravens was meaningless.

Jean was guided onto the bed and this time he was the one being pinned to the mattress. Jeremy’s expression was triumphant as he held himself on his elbows and knees on top of him. They were a mess of grins, moans and tangled limbs.

Jean got rid of Jeremy’s shirt quickly, not even being considerate with the way Jeremy seemed to need some sort of concentration to get out of his clothes and Jean wouldn’t stop touching him and pulling his body toward him.

“Wait, let me get your shirt off” Jeremy said with a furrowed brow, trying to get his hands under the hem of Jean’s sweaty shirt. He was now straddling Jean’s thighs and his laughing stopped when Jean started fumbling with the elastic of his shorts.

As soon as Jeremy got out of his shorts and got Jean’s sweatpants out of the way he put his hands on his stomach and waited for Jean to say something. He didn’t, but he hummed when Jeremy leaned down to kiss him and he could get his hands on his ass.

“Fuck, Jean” Jeremy whispered, his lips on Jean’s forehead as he ground down. Jean moaned in response.

It was stupid, he knew it was stupid, but he wanted to cry. Jeremy’s weight on him made him feel better than any body on his had ever done. The memories of people touching him were stained with so much blood and cruel laughter that Jeremy’s kind words and soft skin made something click in his head, getting him stuck in a place he couldn’t quite get out of.

“ _Attends_ , stopstopstop!” He said, his voice getting louder and his words coming out way too quickly when Jeremy’s hand went into his underwear. He stilled and sat back on his lap, eyes wide and looking like he expected Jean to continue.

“Don’t wanna keep going?” Jeremy asked, his hands back on Jean’s waist expecting it’d make him feel more comfortable.

“Can’t keep going, lemme just” He explained, helping Jeremy off him to get seated upright in front of him. He took his hands and sighed, “Look”

“I know, don’t worry. Hey, we’re good” He said, his usual smile back to his face and his touch full of reassurance, “We still need a shower though, we’re gross” Jean wrinkled his nose in disgust, “I feel so sticky”.

Jean rolled his eyes.

4.

“Why did you two break up?” Laila asked after barging into their room, the room Jeremy hadn’t been to in the last week. Jean didn’t really care if he decided to come back to their room, after all it was theirs and, considering they were both at university, his captain should’ve probably taken it more seriously and if he was too annoyed by Jean’s presence he could simply tell him to leave him the fuck alone.

Jeremy was too kind for any of those things.

“We didn’t break up” Jean answered, avoiding Laila’s eyes altogether, “We were not together, so we couldn’t exactly break up”.

“Well then, whatever you were doing, I don’t care, man. But you gotta learn to communicate here, because Jeremy isn’t talking and I need to understand whether it’s you being stupid or if it’s an actual good decision” The former, Jean thought.

It was not stubbornness on his side. It was just that he knew he wasn’t ready to be with someone like Jeremy. He wasn’t ready to be with anyone if he had to fight the memories back and swallow his regrets every time he was told something nice.

It was not that he didn’t like feeling loved, it was that he knew he didn’t deserve it and though Jeremy had said that wasn’t right, Jean was sure none of it mattered because no one could make disappear what was in his head. Except Jeremy’s kisses did.

Jeremy was graduating soon enough that Jean knew it wasn’t be wise to choose to continue their whatever. He didn’t want to feel broken and alone again just because his best friend was going to be away. He should’ve known from the beginning where to place himself, he should’ve been shown his limits but Jeremy believed it was a waste of time to put walls around people when they’d so much potential as individuals.

It was not his internalised homophobia, it was just that he was fighting so hard to stay alive and not to crumble down every time he was in pain, it was just that he didn’t think he could make it clear enough that it was still hard to get out of bed when he could finally sleep quietly.

He didn’t want to tell Jeremy to stop. He didn’t want him to feel like he had to pay attention to every little thing he did in order to make him feel comfortable.

Jean wanted Jeremy to be himself around him, and truth be told, he wasn’t comfortable yet with being himself in front of Jeremy.

He was still too quiet. He still had too many secrets he didn’t think he’d ever confess to anyone. He thought he had a notion of who he was supposed to be, but that somehow didn’t seem to fit who he actually was at the moment and though he did want to get better, his therapist had told him a thousand times there was no going back to the sweet child he’d been back home.

He was always going to be like this, a mess, but he was going to learn to live with it and fuck, he didn’t want to.

“None of your business” He said. He was lying on his bed, fumbling with a Rubik cube owned by the one and only Jeremy Knox.

“Quit that, it’s been a year. We’re friends now, it is my business”.

“We’re not friends”

“Shut the fuck up, Moreau” Laila sat on the foot of the bed and waited for Jean to say something. He didn’t understand why people always expected him to say more when he had nothing to say. It’d taken him a while to figure out how to separate Raven thoughts from his own and to choose his own words. So far he hadn’t succeeded. “If you’re not talking to him, talk to me”

Jean sighed, “I can’t do human interaction without being uncomfortable. He’s too comfortable. I’m not complaining, I simply won’t ask for him to do things differently” He said, contemplating their friendship and the way Jeremy seemed to need positive things in his life in order to function properly.

He really liked Jeremy, he really did, but it didn’t have a positive effect on him unless he was trying and he really didn’t want to make an effort where he shouldn’t.

“So it’s totally him, right?” Jean shook his head no, of course it isn’t, “I know you’re all kinds of fucked up, but don’t give up on the only thing that has potential here” Laila said and she looked like she really wanted to hug him but he’d made it clear he didn’t like other people touching him without asking first because it reminded him of all the times his head had cracked open or something had broken after Riko pushed him or woke him up with a threat.

Jean couldn’t say he’d change his opinion, there were too many things to consider and if his brain wasn’t so goddamn noisy he would do it, but he didn’t feel capable of doing anything, he didn’t feel capable of fighting back anymore.

“Thanks, Dermott” He said and though every single cell in his body was telling him to listen he couldn’t get himself to move or open his mouth again when he saw Jeremy in their room again, a fake smile on his face and words too careful. It was fine though, he was sure if anyone said the wrong thing he’d go back to being nothing but a Raven.

 _We didn’t broke up_ , he texted Renee, knowing she’d probably understand.

 _????_ , she answered way too quickly and Jean regretted starting a conversation in the first place because he didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

_I don’t know, he’s gonna notice I’m not what he thinks I am or something. It’s stupid, leave it._

_Do u wanna talk abt it or what?_

_Yes_ , he typed quickly and sent, _no_ , he sent a second later.

_Have u thought abt the fact that u share a room n he’s helped u thru panic attacks n he’s seen ur scars n he won’t ask? Not telling u hes the best boy on earth but rly u should think abt it._

_I don’t want to think about it, Renee._

_Then why do u keep talking to me abt him? U should say sorry it’s ok if u mess up sometimes too u r supposed to mess up jean that’s life._

_You’re really pessimistic for a Christian._  
_Im a recovering addict and a fox, u r an ass for a Trojan._

_You’re spending too much time with your girlfriend._

_U should spend more time w ur boyfriend then._

_He wasn’t my boyfriend._

_What r u waiting for, then?_

Jeremy sighed before pinching the bridge of his nose. He’d never been good at talking and Riko’d made sure he only used words when he was allowed to. He was actually trying to get himself more into casual conversations but it still got him nowhere near where he wanted to be. A clear example of it was the way he always wanted to argue during class when somebody said something wrong but he couldn’t quite get himself to do it. Jeremy called it anxiety, Jean thought it was only his inability to believe it was okay to have an opinion now.

“Jeremy” He called into their room. Jeremy was sitting on his desk working furiously on his laptop, brow furrowed in concentration and his smile completely gone, “Is it ok if I sit over there?” He asked pointing at Jeremy’s bed.

“Yeah, sure. Chill, it’s still our room” Jeremy said after clearing his throat, it did nothing to hide how unsure he felt of his words, “If you need anything, give me five”

Jean tucked his legs under his body and sat on the bed, looking at Jeremy’s profile as he tried to keep working on his homework. For the first time in his life he felt like he was going to pass out because of something that wasn’t related to Riko.

He didn’t know what to say, but he knew Renee and Laila were right. Jean was shit at relationships and if he claimed to be trying he had to start listening.

After five minutes of nervous staring and fiddling with the zipper of his jacket Jeremy turned to face him expectantly. He was probably waiting for all the wrong things, because he looked defensive and even aggressive.

“I’m sorry that you’re upset” Jean started. Jeremy crossed his arms over his chest and Jean was scared he’d fucked up even before saying what was coming to his mind, which wasn’t all that unusual to him, “but I think I can’t deal with us because I can’t deal with me and I know you won’t want to either” He confessed. His chest tightened while he let the words out, a combination of honesty and selfishness he’d never been allowed to express before. That did, in fact, feel like redemption. 

“Well, I’ll be the one to decide that” Jeremy answered defensively more than anything else. Jean couldn’t believe he’d managed to upset and anger that beautiful boy.

“It’s just that you’re so positive and I’m so… the opposite of what you- Nevermind, I just, I’m not good at people and you deserve better and-“ This time instead of cutting himself off Jeremy was the one to interrupt him.

“You can do better, and I want to get that from of you, friends or whatever” He said, looking into Jean’s eyes, Jean didn’t look back, “Look, I’m not gonna drag you on dates because I know you can’t do that yet and I know you can’t be totally out yet and there’s so much shit about you that I just know. You don’t have to explain anything to me, but please be honest with me with what you need”.

Jean didn’t answer, but he reached for Jeremy’s hand and squeezed reassuringly, just like Jeremy’d done for at least thirty nights they’d spent in the dark searching for one another without knowing.

Jeremy’s frown didn’t disappear, not even after Jean kissed his forehead to make it go away.

5.

Everybody was gone. No, he still knew half the team and though he considered none of them his friends he could spend time with them and felt comfortable around them. He didn’t flinch at their loud voices or unexpected movements. He’d learnt these people didn’t want to hurt him.

It was over a year since his friends’ graduation and, though he felt lonely, they texted and skyped quite a lot. He wanted to see them but he knew it was hard since they’d real lives. Jean knew he was supposed to feel busy and like he, too, had an actual life, but he didn’t. He felt like a ghost, dragging his body through the hall to class, to the gym and he only felt alive inside the court.

He’d actually started to like the team. They’d gotten significantly better even though they’d banned Raven drills after an incident with Cooper and one of their new strikers, Mila. Jean hadn’t complained though, because they didn’t need them anymore.

He’d learnt to accept the Trojans would never be what the Ravens were to the history of Exy, and he was more than okay with it, more satisfied than he ever believed he’d be. It was beyond Exy too, it was about the way they interacted with each other and communicated without words on the court that actually made him feel inspired, but it also made him feel out of place. He’d taught them most of it, but he felt like his mission was over and he’d nothing else to offer to them, to anybody.

Jean wasn’t good with alcohol. It wasn’t that he wasn’t used to drinking, he’d drank too much with the Ravens in order to stand the pain, Kevin had gotten him used to strong drinks when he was young, actually. He still managed to show too much and be too emotional when he was alone.

He didn’t talk a lot though. He was all sensations and feeling foreign to his body which finally made him feel inexistent. Jean wasn’t sure he wanted to keep carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, and though Jeremy insisted he didn’t have to, Jean felt like hell was still burning in his head and he didn’t even know if he’d have a future or not. He couldn’t stand thinking of even having a future.

He was too drunk to understand what was going on around him.

 _aides moi_ , he typed and pressed ‘send’ before even realising what he was doing. _Help me_ , he’d regret it later when Jeremy woke up to the text and freaked out because he knew Jean needed him. _Help me_ , he whispered to himself in the dark of his room, looking at the bed next to his, which now belonged to James, a boy who was organised and shy, and it made the absence of Jeremy so freaking obvious to his eyes.

 _have a good practice,_ he sent two hours later, typing with shaky fingers and barely seeing anything through puffy red-rimmed eyes on the screen of his phone.

The next morning he woke up to an incredibly encouraging text from Jeremy to keep going, saying he’d get there as soon as he had time to help him relax for a few days, maybe a weekend. Jean didn’t answer because he wasn’t sure he could keep going.

He never got bad hangovers –bless the alcoholic side of his family that made him stronger than most people-, so he only got out of bed to drink some glasses of water ignoring he should be going to the gym altogether. It was a Saturday and everything was meaningless because after drinking himself unconscious he felt too real, too hurt. 

He barely managed to breathe in deeply before he was choking on a sob. He thanked James’ parents for living close enough to USC that he could go back home every once in a while. He wished he could do it himself but his parents hadn’t even attempted to talk to him after the news of Riko’s death and he didn’t even know if they still lived in Marseilles.

He hated feeling that weak but there was something deep like desperation clawing at his insides and making him hurt, poisonous blood spreading through his body, venom and acid eating at his bones and the walls he’d built to protect himself.

Help me, he typed, this time in English, but did not send it to Renee. Instead, he reached for the bottle of whiskey he’d dragged with himself the night before. It tasted awful but he still managed to down a considerable amount of it before going back to bed.

He wanted to sleep, knowing it wouldn’t help but at least it’d sort of make him disappear for a few hours, that was exactly what he needed. But it was a Saturday, and James was out and he wouldn’t return until Monday morning which made it too easy.

It was a Saturday and he was alone in a room full of knives and alcohol and pills and so many toxic ideas he couldn’t escape no matter under how many locks he found himself.

His mind kept working even after he closed his eyes to try and find some peace in his sleep. He looked at the last texts he’d sent to the six people he usually talked to. Only two of them could be considered nice, but Jean wasn’t really nice to people and he was fine with being remembered as an asshole.

It was heart breaking, but it was a Saturday and he was alone with a bottle of whiskey, his prescription recently filled and too much potential. He felt like he was unravelling when he separated the pills into tiny groups of five.

James wasn’t going to be back, and maybe after taking the pills he’d had about ten minutes to send someone something in case he regretted it, or in case he wanted to say good bye. He didn’t feel like that was the kind of thing he’d do at all and, though, it was only an impulse, he couldn’t deny he’d been contemplating taking his own life for the last ten years of his life.

Yes, Exy mattered. Yes, he loved Jeremy. Yes, he was comfortable with the Trojans. No, he didn’t deserve better. He’d never get better, and the pills on his nightstand on the space between the beds where Jeremy’s desk used to be, proved he was failing at treatment.

Everyone insisted it didn’t mean weakness and Jean had started to believe it. Of course he did not feel weak when he played Exy, but he knew he’d always be too traumatised to be normal, too scared of drowning to go back to the beach, too afraid of saying the wrong thing and making everyone realise he didn’t belong there.

After the first five he laughed at himself because the hole in his chest that’d been consuming him during all the time he’d spent at USC finally disappeared. When he was at fifteen the whiskey was down to its half and Jean did no longer find it in himself to care to move even if he knew he’d most likely throw up all over the floor.

 _Twenty_ , Renee Walker had taken him from Castle Evermore for the first time, Jeremy and Kevin had done it for the second time before he could even get there. _Twenty-five_ , Neil Josten was as broken and scarred as he was, but he’d managed to be something, someone he’d never be. _Thirty_ , Jeremy’s hands on him, listening to Jean’s requests to do just the right thing. _Thirty five_ , the Trojans’ line-up and the five games they’d won on a row after Jean taught them strategy. _Forty_ , nothing.

He drank as much whiskey as he could get in his stomach before feeling like he wanted to get sick. He’d miscalculated, there was no way he’d have ten minutes for anything with the time he’d taken to swallow the pills. It was meaningless though, because he couldn’t focus on anything but the way his stomach burnt.

He felt unable to do anything but close his eyes, but he still struggled against the heavy weight of his body resting on the floor, his back against the bed frame. He’d most likely passed out when he woke up unable to breathe and about to puke his guts out.

Vomiting didn’t make it any better and his eyes closed against his will, the world spinning and fading way too quickly.

The next time he opened his eyes his face felt wet and he couldn’t move at all, but he managed to lean his weight on his right side so he wouldn’t fall face first onto the puddle of alcohol, pills, bile and water in front of him.

“Fuck, Cooper! Jesus fuck” Elliott said trying to get Jean up. He was considerable smaller than Jean was and his attempts to take him in his arms were useless, but he wouldn’t stop trying, he couldn’t leave him there, “Get Coach on the phone! Cooper, get your ass, fuck” He continued, panic blooming in his chest, a fear that despite its weight wasn’t enough to get him to stop moving.

Cooper walked into their room with a frown, knowing if Elliott kept shouting Jean would insult him into oblivion. He swallowed whatever he was thinking of saying when he saw Elliott’s desperate expression, still struggling to move Jean from the bedframe.

“Is he breathing?” He asked. Elliott was definitely failing at breathing himself, but he’d gotten Jean on the foot of the bed and was looking for the bottles of Jean’s meds in the mess he’d made of the bed, “Elliott, is he breathing? I’m gonna get an ambulance”.

“I don’t know! Get someone to drive, that’ll be quicker” Elliott moved hastily to make sure Jean was still breathing, which he was.

Two other Trojans padded into the room with confused expressions, Ava and Jacob, both holding cups of coffee they forgot somewhere in the middle of chaos. Jacob was the one to drive and Ava the one to make the calls.

* * *

 

“Hey babe, how are you feeling?” Jean couldn’t keep his eyes open, he couldn’t understand what any of those words meant, he couldn’t even focus his vision on the smiling broken boy in front of him, “You’re gonna go back to sleep soon so don’t fight it, okay? It’s getting out of your system” He continued, squeezing his sweaty hand and fighting back the tears.

Jeremy was strong, sure. It was just that his kind of strong wasn’t the same for Ravens’ or Foxes’ standards.

“J’is ftigué” Jean mumbled, words unintelligible and vowels slurred. His voice was harsh and barely there and Jeremy nodded in response. He wanted to squeeze his hand back but he couldn’t muster up the strength to do it.

The next few hours were like being trapped in a loop, the same faces around him, the same reassuring touch and words every time he opened his eyes, asking for him to rest.

“You don’t have to keep it all in, come back to me, Jean. You’re safe now, you’re safe” Jeremy whispered into the clammy skin of his forearm, grazing his scars and hoping Jean would someday get it, “You’ve a place at USC now, you’ve a place with me, ‘kay?” Jean hummed in response, “You’re gonna be good, baby”

+1.

“I can’t believe you’re not wearing black” Jeremy said excitedly appreciating the way the red shirt clung to Jean’s body. It wasn’t overly tight but he could see his muscles and true to himself, he kind of wanted to get all over him, except it would’ve been counterproductive because Jean had things to get into the apartment.

“You’re supposed to help, stop staring at me or I’ll change” Jean said pushing the door open with the bag he was carrying.Jeremy moved out of the way and laughed.

“Sorry you’re a grown ass graduated man now, can’t do”.

Jean rolled his eyes and ignored Jeremy’s bad singing and uncoordinated dancing while he carried some boxes into their room.He still didn’t own a bunch of things compared to Jeremy, but it was considerably more that he had when he’d arrived at USC.

He didn’t feel like he had enough energy to figure out how to organise his belongings just yet so he walked back to the kitchen where Jeremy was uselessly trying to focus on making protein shakes. He placed his hands on his waist, holding him close from behind.

“What are you doing, mon chou?” He asked, a shy smile on his lips as he perched his head on Jeremy’s shoulder.

“Cabbage facts says we’re made of leaves, crunch and a caring soul, babe” Jeremy answered and though it didn’t make sense Jean nodded uncomfortably and tightened his grip on Jeremy, “Do you need any help?”

He asked with feigned innocence and a cocky grin, Jean snorted.

“Oh, now you ask. I got here and I moved in all by himself, I’m pretty sure I can get myself anywhere without your help” He answered and huffed before he laughed and kissed Jeremy’s shoulder.

He would, indeed, carry himself anywhere he wanted to.

**Author's Note:**

> Do I think Jeremy's obsessed with cabbage facts? YES. 
> 
> Do I think Jean would attempt with pills and whiskey? Not reallly, but that's the only thing I could write bc lord y'all can guess why lmao. It was as accurate as I could get without making it even worse on me, I'm screaming inside. Also remember how Nora said there was a 100% chance Jean wouldn't make it to his graduation? Because I don't tbh.
> 
> I die for Jean being cute and happy and accepting his meds don't make him weak eventually sooooo.
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoyed. Kudos are immensely appreciated and I feed off of comments so at least come say hi. Also find me @ minycrdjcsten on tumblr/ @cptjaylah on twitter.


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